My insomnia has significantly improved this week and I’m beyond grateful for that! The irony is that I’m up now, just past 1:30am my time, but it’s mainly due to sleeping off a migraine I had yesterday evening. I hope I can get some sleep shortly, but since I’m here, I wanted to write about when I’m the happiest. I saw someone else write about this recently and loved the idea, so I’m jumping in…
I’m happiest when I feel at peace with the past. I’m happiest when Linley is snoring and sandwiched in bed between Alex and me (like right now!) I’m happiest when I have balance in my life. I’m happiest when I have conversations with thought-provoking and creative friends and strangers. I’m happiest when I feel like I truly belong in Alex’s family. I’m happiest when a difficult past memory is nothing more than a moment, not an hour or day or period of sorrow.
I’m happiest when I see Alex and Linley running on the beach together. I’m happiest when I don’t let what happened in my past give me anxiety about the future. I’m happiest when I’m on a roadtrip or on a flight, about to have a new adventure. I’m happiest when that adrenaline rush hits while I’m doing something fun! I’m happiest when I feel a true sense of community in family, work and life. I’m happiest when I can be outside with Alex and Linley. I’m happiest when I’m on or near the water. I’m happiest when the guilt and shame that can consume me sometimes is finally set free.
I’m happiest when I let go of trying to impress other people. I’m happiest when people respect my boundaries, including myself. I’m happiest when I have a good conversation with a friend after a long day. I’m happiest when I can make an impact, even if it’s a small. I’m happiest when a friend and I catch up, especially if time has passed, and we pick up right where we left off. I’m happiest when my inbox is empty. I’m happiest when I’m away from my phone (yes, I see the irony in this…)
And I’d say I’m happiest when I finally stop putting the weight of the world on my shoulders!
I look forward to taking steps to ensure 2026 is a much lighter year. I need to heal.
Wedding day!The Grand CanyonATL Pride! (October 2025)
During my afternoon walk with Alex and Linley, I started talking about the rumination I was having during my morning walk with Linley. I couldn’t stop thinking about some harsh realities with certain friends. I couldn’t stop thinking about the radical acceptance I’ve been working so hard at in therapy. I couldn’t stop thinking about the radical honesty I needed to communicate with my friends, and myself. Boundaries. When to throw in the towel when I recognize patterns in certain people.
The version of me that knows the truth can see that I gave it my all with my brother, my ex, former friends, other family members and people in my life. The version of me that knows the truth knows that no matter what I would’ve done different, I probably still would’ve been lashed out at by certain friends, questioned by others, and judged by many people in my life. No matter what, I couldn’t have changed their views of me or the outcome of our relationship now.
The version of me that struggles with radical acceptance and honesty believes that it’s all my fault. Someone I had set boundaries with lashing out at me is all my fault. My ex leaving me is all my fault. My brother’s and my lack of a relationship is all my fault. My family’s judgment of me is all my fault. My friendships of ten plus years ending is all my fault. My not fitting in at certain workplaces is all my fault. You see the pattern here…
How can I work on coping with the fact that people have hurt me? All I want to do is blame myself. How can I realize that some relationships weren’t meant to last? All I want to do is reach out to Alissa, Danielle, Jaclyn, Dani, Terry, Brandon, Cass… but I know if I did, I would either be treated horribly, gaslighted or completely ignored.
I wish I’d learned how to communicate my feelings more effectively and in a timely manner, instead of telling Danielle “I don’t know what I did but just know I’ll always love you and you have a special place in my heart.” She probably thinks I ghosted her after ten years of friendship; what I really did was shield my pain because she did something that felt really unforgivable to me. But after four or five years of not speaking to her, who felt like a sister to me, does still eat me alive at times. It’s like that with quite a few people in my life, from my past.
But again: it’s “all my fault” and I carry all the weight and responsibility of others. It’s as though them hurting me is something I deserved, something that was my fault in the end.
How can I heal? How can I move on? My OCD and anxiety would love to know.
I want to cry about people from my past, but the tears never come. I feel like I don’t deserve to grieve or cry, because I “threw friends away.” This is true even when I was abandoned, lashed out at, made fun of, disrespected, etc. I want to heal. 🙏
P.S.: I know deep down that I’ve never “thrown anyone away.” In fact, I held onto the pain and hurting for so long, that when I finally did say how I felt, friendships were ruined. But Brandon, a friend of over ten years, said this to me in the last message he’d ever sent me. When I go through a hard time, sometimes that sentence tears at me. ☹️
P.P.S.: I also know deep down that someone who would speak to me like this at all a) didn’t like that I had boundaries and/or said that I needed space while I was going through my divorce and b) doesn’t really know me like I had thought he did. In our last year or so of friendship, I constantly felt like my feelings were minimized and no matter what I said I had to walk on eggshells. So when I’d moved back to Michigan around the time he had also moved back, I couldn’t be around that or hear those things during my divorce finalization. Before that, Brandon had always been such a loving, caring friend, but something had changed when we were both going through our breakups. We couldn’t help each other the way we had before. And I have to accept that.
I lay in bed with Alex and Linley lightly snoring next to me, feeling calm in their presence now but waking up from a panic. I’m panicking about trying to find ESL students and coaching clients, too. I’m panicking about not being able to “do all the things” or “getting it all done” before the end of the day/week/month/year. You know, the typical anxiety stuff 😅
Kidding aside, I’ve really been trying to write more rather than simply post more. I’m personally not a fan of Taylor Swift’s music, but I do find it fascinating that even when she’s not going through a breakup, she still remains super popular. As I’ve been adding to my blog and redoing my website, I’ve realized some of my most popular posts were from my darkest days. I hope that sharing my anxiety around career stuff doesn’t necessarily make me more “popular,” but I do hope people read this and think, “Oh, she’s in a great marriage now and Linley’s still doing great, but she’s real like me, too.” Yes, I’m in a much better place now and that depression I felt a few years back is no more; but sometimes my anxiety and OCD can feel daunting at times (and unfortunately, that time is usually 3 or 4 a.m.!)
In the meantime, I’m going to try to get some sleep, realize that I’m doing the best I can, and lay with Linley and Alex by my side (in that order haha 😉)
A couple weeks ago, I wrote about my time in Michigan and how it wasn’t the weekend I was hoping it would be. I’ve been feeling misunderstood and unheard in my career, in my friend groups, and in my family. I’ve been pushing myself to write because I truly haven’t felt like it in a while, but I know it’s good for me to get my feelings out of my head.
I’m extremely grateful for Alex, who has continued to try new things with me, explore new places with me and has encouraged me to do what I love most. The friends I’ve made through him feel like family and I’m forever grateful to them and him for that.
Even when times are uncertain and things feel rocky, there are people who care about you and love you. I need to remind myself of that, too.
My ex-husband and ex-best friend lashed out at me a few years ago. I was told that I was shallow for wanting to make new friends (while maintaining long-term and long-distance friendships, too). I was told that I would never be happy, would never be around better people than them, and would never live the life I want to live. Their words hurt so deeply because I’d thought the verbal abuse started and stopped at my extended family, not my chosen one…
At times, I wonder if their verbal abuse is true: that because I always want more and to better myself, that I’m “greedy” or “shallow” or “ungrateful” or “dramatic” (all words they’ve called me at one point).
As my friendships change and I decide what new adventure I need to take myself on in life, I have to actively choose not to believe my ex-husband and ex-best friend. It hurts that I hurt both of them unintentionally, but I certainly didn’t deserve that type of treatment. If I ever question my worth in friendships, community, career, family… I have to let go of their words and voices telling me that I deserve to be questioning myself.
I still have so much work to do, but I’m trying, and that’s more than I could’ve said a few years ago. Oh, if only the art of letting go were easier… 💛
I lay awake at 03:52 ET, hearing the sounds of Alex and Linley breathing (my forever favorite white noise machine) 😌 and feel empowered — although exhausted.
October was such a lovely month full of positive changes, and ever since the election things have felt bleak. Unbelievable. The air has felt heavier, and then family and new job drama layered on top of it *almost* took me out of the fight. The fight to celebrate my engagement. The fight to keep looking for that career that’ll springboard me on the right path. The fight to continue listening to progressive independent liberal media.
But I’m not out of the fight, and I’m not out OF fight. ✨
Instead of basking in the shambles of the election, family tension and feeling like I “got it wrong” on the job front again, I’m going to do the following:
Continue going to therapy and feeling in control of my life, the way I did during yesterday’s session
Continue knowing that I’m on the right path for ME, even if others “don’t get it”
Continue looking for wedding dresses so I can try them on with my mother in law, her best friend and my aunt — because I’m excited people want to celebrate with me
Continue applying for jobs in the nonprofit/government space in the city of Atlanta, because Atlanta is my home and I want to find a job based here
Learn French the way I used to in college, because I deeply miss it
Fix my typewriter, because similar to this post, I just have to do it EVEN when I feel my words aren’t “worth it” to anyone (they’re worth it to me)
Find a solid volunteer organization here, directly helping those impacted by the election results (Feminist Healthcare perhaps)
Fuck what society, family, former friends, ex-coworkers… think of me, because I’m my favorite version of myself 💛
^ All this is within my control, and I have a LOT of Google searching and ordering to do. 😉
Hold me accountable? I need all the help I can get…
One of my favorite high school mentors posts three guiding principles on LinkedIn at the start of the new year. This man is such an inspiration because he motivated me to pick the university I attended, married the love of his life against all odds, and he and his husband recently adopted their first child together. I wanted to challenge myself, do some reflecting, and chose my own three guiding words – or mantras – for the year.
Detaching
Letting go of past hurt. Not feeling like a burden to others. Continuously healing from past trauma. Lessening the heavy blow on my heart. Looking back quickly rather than mulling over the past. Putting myself first so I can be better for the ones I love most. The true art of letting go — and creating space for current and new memories.
Seattle, Washington (Summer 2023)
Healthiness
Physical, mental and emotional healthiness. Continuing with dance, therapy and other exercises. Progressing with setting healthy boundaries and radically accepting where certain family and friend relationships stand. Stretching every day (when possible) and pushing myself with dance classes. Learning to make working out fun again. Pushing myself to get back into music and French lessons for mental health and “gymnastics.”
Bergen, Norway (Summer 2016)
Adventure
(Although I’ve never “not been adventurous”) 😉
Going white water rafting in Georgia. Putting myself out there in dance and elsewhere. Visiting at least one new country with Alex this year. Taking more career risks and discovering my true passion(s). Feeling a true sense of adventure in my heart.
On New Years Eve, I sat with a couple girlfriends on the west side of Michigan, as we wrote down our “resolutions” (I put that word in quotation marks because I like to think of it as more ‘aspirational’ than specific, quantifiable ‘goals’). January has been an exceptionally hard month: seeing my ex-husband for the first time since our divorce and leaving Chicago, losing my dad’s best friend who we weren’t able to see prior to her passing, no longer being able to trust one of my male friends because he led me to believe he was someone he wasn’t, and my depression overall rapidly getting worse. Each month, I’m going to track my progress on each of my wishes for no one other than myself — but feel free to tag along if you wish.
Wish #1: ???
I decided to keep this one to myself for now, but plan to write more about this when the time is right.
Wish #2: Travel to South Africa, & plan other trips…
One of my best friends and her husband recently moved to Atlanta, Georgia from Johannesburg. Andy and I have worked together since the spring, and we became extremely close after all the project managers got together in person in August. Andy and Shawn are the kindest, funniest, most supportive people I could ask for in my life right now — both as individuals and as a couple. They’ve both been through difficult divorces in the past, and inspire me and give me hope that my true love exists — and that I’ll find him someday soon, without settling or compromising my beliefs or self worth. I visited them in Atlanta last weekend and I seriously needed all the laughs, time outdoors, lazy mornings watching TV and meeting more of their South African friends in the area.
Coincidentally, I’ve wanted to visit South Africa since I was about 10 years old. Andy and Shawn really want me to tag along with them the next time they return home. Whether that’s this summer or sometime in 2024, I look forward to my time with them, and to the other adventures abroad that are on the horizon for 2023.
Wish #3: Figure out my health bullshit!
As it turns out, I did indeed have a kidney infection, NOT a gallbladder or pancreas issue. Thank goodness I visited the Women’s Hospital of UofM, or else I probably would’ve had my gallbladder removed unnecessarily. If I still experience symptoms, I’ll be returning to the urologist for further testing, but for now I should be in the clear and my levels – and pain – are stable. I also made an appointment for my back problems and although my spine will never look the way I’d like it to, it was a relief to know that it “isn’t noticeable” to the average person — and now I can start planning for a new tattoo.
Wish #4: Find home in a physical place the way I have found home in myself…
I love who I am: I love how I look, I know what I deserve and I wouldn’t change anything about who I am as a person. HOWEVER, I do not feel at home here in Michigan. I left Michigan for a reason (or, several reasons…) and just because Chicago wasn’t my home either, doesn’t mean that I have to settle for less than I deserve here. Sure, some really good things have come out of me being here again, but my time here has been full of letdowns, false problems, and physical, emotional and mental pain. Maybe I’ll receive a permanent residency permit so I can live in Toronto. Maybe I’ll move somewhere closer to one of my best friends on the east coast. Maybe I’ll move to Charlotte, North Carolina because I had the best time with some of the best people this summer. Or maybe I’ll go somewhere totally new. The overwhelming possibilities are endless, but not all those who wander are lost.
Wish #5: More ink!
As previously mentioned, I’m planning my next tattoo, but am also working on finishing my foot/ankle and really want to get my dog’s paw print on my other ankle soon.
Wish #6: Find a passion – new or old.
I’m definitely getting back into music. As a kid, I was able to play three or four different instruments and found that music was a great outlet for me. Maybe I’ll get back into the piano or play something totally new — either way, I’m excited to explore this more. I also want to start swimming laps at a local gym every day, but am waiting until I relocate because figuring that out is like swimming laps in and of itself!
Wish #7: Heal from my marriage, time in Chicago, friendships ending…
It’s nearly impossible to put a timeline on this one. Progress isn’t linear with this one! Some days I feel on top of the world; others I feel like I’m drowning in my own depression, feeling like the universe is kicking me while I’m down. Seeing my ex-husband earlier in the month was necessary for my own healing, yet it was one of the saddest, heartbreaking things I’ve done. Being around someone you loved and who loved you for nearly a decade… and not being able to be with them in that capacity anymore… unless you’ve tried remaining friends with the person you thought was your soulmate is… hard to explain. It’s soul-crushing. I would give anything to go back to the good times where we both were happy — but my ex-husband doesn’t exactly feel the same way. I had to stare acceptance in the face and truly accept that things will never be as they were. Typing that even now – nearly a month later – feels daunting and depressing.
However… I am opening my heart where and when it needs to be open. I’m not only setting boundaries, but am finally adhering to them. I’m creating space for new friendships and new love, and although I’m losing hope, I haven’t fully given up yet. I wish I didn’t have to struggle this much and feel all this hurt within my heart — but I can only hope it all has to be worth it on the other side.
Wish #8: More bonding experiences with Lin!
I majorly need to step this one up. Because I live with my parents at the moment, Linley has shared the love between all three of us — making it hard to have that quality time I need with him. I hope to plan more adventures with Linley: before, during and after we relocate somewhere new. He’s the best dog in the whole world, and is my favorite adventure buddy!
Wish #9: More reading, cooking, exploring, saying “yes” and “no” when I want…
Saying “no” – even when it’s best for me – is still something I feel extremely guilty about. This is probably one of my biggest personal hurdles I need to jump leaps and bounds over this year. The good news is that I’m reading and cooking much more than I have in the past, and the exploring is still going strong! Over Martin Luther King Jr. weekend, my dad and I made homemade gluten free calzones and fish and chips. I’m excited to try even more recipes with the people I love most!
Wish #10: Finding community who loves and accepts me for me…
For the first time in my 29 years of life, I finally have this at work. I can be myself, crack my jokes, bring my personality to all of my projects, consultants and client teams, and feel valued for my contributions. I have never had community in my own family, or in my physical location. I hope to find this when I leave Michigan as well; I want to find that group who I feel deeply connected with and not for the sake of “fitting in” — but truly belonging as I am.
The past two or three weeks have dragged on and the days feel as though they’re blending together. I’ve been passed around from doctor to doctor – including a six-hour stint in the ER – to figure out whether I have kidney stones or a kidney infection, pancreatitis or gallstones. Every day I wake up feeling hungover even though I can’t drink, and have experienced similar symptoms to a UTI or kidney stones for the past 30 days or so…
On top of the health stuff, this period of limbo and transition has been extremely difficult—and eye-opening. With all the negative comes many positives, and I am grateful for the moments and people who have helped me through these past few weeks.
Enjoying the lake life with my second familyPlanning a much-needed trip (this was from 2012!)Linley gets ice cream after his grooming appointmentReconnecting with my aunt and uncleFinding light in the darknessSolid music recommendations from the coolest coworkersHangin’ with the cutest kiddo!
As we enter my favorite month of the year, I’m going to focus on:
Allow me to explain… and disclaimer: this is my personal experience, not a generalization of the city or Chicagoans as a whole.
During yesterday’s therapy session, I was vulnerable with Erin about my grief. Grief of my marriage/ten-year relationship coming to an end, grief of a city I’ve always wanted to live in and will be leaving soon, and grief of a life I wanted to live and share with the love of my life.
For several months, I struggled with emotionally and physically absent loved ones, manipulative and rude coworkers, a few friends who have proven to be more about status and materialism than the “warm hug” feeling I receive from my friends who live elsewhere, and not feeling a sense of community or belonging here in Chicago—despite all of my efforts. All of these situations and feelings caused me to question the validity of my marriage, my newfound friendships, and decision to move here in the first place.
When I was six years old, my mom, brother and I took the train to Chicago from Flint to see my dad who worked here at the time—as we did most weekends. I saw big city lights, lots of diverse people, the bustling streets with seemingly important and busy people heading to work and looking stylish, and heard new noises as we approached the city. I turned to my mom and said, “I’m going to live here one day.” Despite many of my favorite childhood and college memories taking place in this incredible city, it has lost all its magic.
“What does it feel like to you, Cate?” Erin asked me. “Why do you need Chicago so much?”
To which I answered, “It feels like I’m relearning that Santa isn’t real and never has been. And I guess I needed Chicago because this used to be my happy place, and I’m sad that it isn’t anymore.”
BUT the world is my happy place. The memories I’ve shared here with friends and family (including Lin of course!) can never be replaced—and nothing can ever take that away from me. I have also had incredible memories in the 24 countries I’ve visited (three of which have held addresses in) and the over 30 states I’ve explored within the US.
I look forward to reclaiming this city as a staple favorite when I move—whether that be one, three, six… months from now. Tomorrow I will start by kayaking downtown with a Michigan friend, but today I need some space from her (her being Chicago, NOT my Michigan friend haha!).
As a 28-year-old young woman now, I would hug six-year-old me looking out the Amtrak at the big city, and say “You did it. And now it’s time to go on even bigger adventures.” 💛
Learning that consistency is one of the best qualities anyone can possess. My friends who have been supportive, encouraging and consistent — not just now, but always. My support system who have helped me pivot from self-deprecating thoughts and into better boundary-setting. Going on adventures in Chicago with friends, new and old. Having friends who even want to go on those adventures with me.
Walking away from people who aren’t serving me — who aren’t showing up for me physically or emotionally. Not having a relationship with certain family members who would certainly bully me and verbally abuse me because of my personal life right now. Having the courage to even stand up to/walk away from those individuals and groups of people anyway. Finding my chosen family; feeling like I belong with my friends and some of their families (e.g.: Donna’s siblings and parents).
Having the courage to move out here despite the circumstances. Finding my way back to the healthiest work environment I’ve ever experienced — albeit in a rather roundabout way. My health and my body, even though I may not love her and appreciate her everyday. My mobility and the freedom I have to explore and keep going on these fun adventures.
Linley. The fact that he is such a great travel, hiking and adventure buddy. The fact that I have him right now, when all else seems fleeting. Lin getting me out of bed and out of the house everyday; teaching me that there’s insurmountable beauty in the simplest of moments and things.
The fact that I even have things to be grateful for as my heart breaks.
Yesterday evening we ventured over to the AIDS Garden Chicago, memorializing the HIV epidemic and honoring those who live with the disease today.
I hadn’t had a good cry in a while, until yesterday. I’ve been putting a smile on for my new team at work, my neighbors, myself… and the tension I’d been feeling was building up to more I could handle.
Darkness covered us as we enjoyed some cheese and crackers along Lake Michigan when Juan started talking about all our good times together. Knowing that we may not have more of those times together broke me in ways I couldn’t imagine possible—and I just cried. Cried so hard and didn’t have any support from him—not even a hug. I was angry and hurt and scared and alone… until Linley comforted me. He sat right next to me and gave me a hug (yes, my small dog can give hugs!). I made me laugh so hard, and even during one of the saddest moments I’ve had in quite some time, he gave me hope that things will be okay—even if they aren’t right now.
When people say things like “animals don’t have feelings” or “animals aren’t that smart,” I wholeheartedly disagree. I was never allowed to have a dog growing up, but I’ve had my fair share of rodents, and even those little critters had personalities! But Lin is different. He’s the most intuitive fella I know. Others (Airbnb hosts, my friends, complete strangers…) even say that he knows me so well, that we’re a good pair. Even as I type this as I sit at my desk, this is how close he is:
I don’t know a better way to channel my love – and receive it – than being with this guy 💛
Media taken Friday, May 3 and Saturday, May 4, 2022
Traveling with the Traceys 