depression

Others’ words // getting out of my own head

/ Cate Tracey / Leave a comment

During my afternoon walk with Alex and Linley, I started talking about the rumination I was having during my morning walk with Linley. I couldn’t stop thinking about some harsh realities with certain friends. I couldn’t stop thinking about the radical acceptance I’ve been working so hard at in therapy. I couldn’t stop thinking about the radical honesty I needed to communicate with my friends, and myself. Boundaries. When to throw in the towel when I recognize patterns in certain people.

The version of me that knows the truth can see that I gave it my all with my brother, my ex, former friends, other family members and people in my life. The version of me that knows the truth knows that no matter what I would’ve done different, I probably still would’ve been lashed out at by certain friends, questioned by others, and judged by many people in my life. No matter what, I couldn’t have changed their views of me or the outcome of our relationship now.

The version of me that struggles with radical acceptance and honesty believes that it’s all my fault. Someone I had set boundaries with lashing out at me is all my fault. My ex leaving me is all my fault. My brother’s and my lack of a relationship is all my fault. My family’s judgment of me is all my fault. My friendships of ten plus years ending is all my fault. My not fitting in at certain workplaces is all my fault. You see the pattern here…

How can I work on coping with the fact that people have hurt me? All I want to do is blame myself. How can I realize that some relationships weren’t meant to last? All I want to do is reach out to Alissa, Danielle, Jaclyn, Dani, Terry, Brandon, Cass… but I know if I did, I would either be treated horribly, gaslighted or completely ignored.

I wish I’d learned how to communicate my feelings more effectively and in a timely manner, instead of telling Danielle “I don’t know what I did but just know I’ll always love you and you have a special place in my heart.” She probably thinks I ghosted her after ten years of friendship; what I really did was shield my pain because she did something that felt really unforgivable to me. But after four or five years of not speaking to her, who felt like a sister to me, does still eat me alive at times. It’s like that with quite a few people in my life, from my past.

But again: it’s “all my fault” and I carry all the weight and responsibility of others. It’s as though them hurting me is something I deserved, something that was my fault in the end.

How can I heal? How can I move on? My OCD and anxiety would love to know.

I want to cry about people from my past, but the tears never come. I feel like I don’t deserve to grieve or cry, because I “threw friends away.” This is true even when I was abandoned, lashed out at, made fun of, disrespected, etc. I want to heal. 🙏

P.S.: I know deep down that I’ve never “thrown anyone away.” In fact, I held onto the pain and hurting for so long, that when I finally did say how I felt, friendships were ruined. But Brandon, a friend of over ten years, said this to me in the last message he’d ever sent me. When I go through a hard time, sometimes that sentence tears at me. ☹️

P.P.S.: I also know deep down that someone who would speak to me like this at all a) didn’t like that I had boundaries and/or said that I needed space while I was going through my divorce and b) doesn’t really know me like I had thought he did. In our last year or so of friendship, I constantly felt like my feelings were minimized and no matter what I said I had to walk on eggshells. So when I’d moved back to Michigan around the time he had also moved back, I couldn’t be around that or hear those things during my divorce finalization. Before that, Brandon had always been such a loving, caring friend, but something had changed when we were both going through our breakups. We couldn’t help each other the way we had before. And I have to accept that.

Chicago has “lost its magic”

/ Cate Tracey / 5 Comments

Allow me to explain… and disclaimer: this is my personal experience, not a generalization of the city or Chicagoans as a whole.

During yesterday’s therapy session, I was vulnerable with Erin about my grief. Grief of my marriage/ten-year relationship coming to an end, grief of a city I’ve always wanted to live in and will be leaving soon, and grief of a life I wanted to live and share with the love of my life.

For several months, I struggled with emotionally and physically absent loved ones, manipulative and rude coworkers, a few friends who have proven to be more about status and materialism than the “warm hug” feeling I receive from my friends who live elsewhere, and not feeling a sense of community or belonging here in Chicago—despite all of my efforts. All of these situations and feelings caused me to question the validity of my marriage, my newfound friendships, and decision to move here in the first place.

When I was six years old, my mom, brother and I took the train to Chicago from Flint to see my dad who worked here at the time—as we did most weekends. I saw big city lights, lots of diverse people, the bustling streets with seemingly important and busy people heading to work and looking stylish, and heard new noises as we approached the city. I turned to my mom and said, “I’m going to live here one day.” Despite many of my favorite childhood and college memories taking place in this incredible city, it has lost all its magic.

“What does it feel like to you, Cate?” Erin asked me. “Why do you need Chicago so much?”

To which I answered, “It feels like I’m relearning that Santa isn’t real and never has been. And I guess I needed Chicago because this used to be my happy place, and I’m sad that it isn’t anymore.”

BUT the world is my happy place. The memories I’ve shared here with friends and family (including Lin of course!) can never be replaced—and nothing can ever take that away from me. I have also had incredible memories in the 24 countries I’ve visited (three of which have held addresses in) and the over 30 states I’ve explored within the US.

I look forward to reclaiming this city as a staple favorite when I move—whether that be one, three, six… months from now. Tomorrow I will start by kayaking downtown with a Michigan friend, but today I need some space from her (her being Chicago, NOT my Michigan friend haha!).

As a 28-year-old young woman now, I would hug six-year-old me looking out the Amtrak at the big city, and say “You did it. And now it’s time to go on even bigger adventures.” 💛

Friend & Family Breakups

/ Cate Tracey / Leave a comment

I wanted to put a pause on my regular travel posts and write about something that’s been lingering in the forefront of my mind this year.

I’ve been struggling with long-term extended family estrangement and somewhat short-term immediate family drama, as well as some pretty upsetting friendship breakups. I won’t go into specifics in order to protect those around me, but I’ve been in a dark place for about a year or so now. As one can imagine, this has taken a toll on my mental health.

I recently heard a quote on one of my favorite podcasts that goes a little something like this:

“Depression is the greatest acting teacher. I can smile through anything even though I just want the ground to open up and swallow me whole.” If that doesn’t hit you like a semi truck, I’m not sure what will…

I’m not a therapist or licensed professional by any means, but I wanted to share some strategies I’ve been applying to help with the pain of broken friendships and family relationships. It’s important to note that all of these points coincide with each other and this is the “flow” as I see it. Remember: everyone’s journey is highly personal and individual.

1. Don’t change who you are for those around you.

I have a lot of people in my life – family members in particular – who will never be proud of me, no matter what I do. In the past and present, I have been laughed at or mocked for my dreams and ambitions. Family members have and will continue to make me feel small to build themselves up. About five years ago, I chose to let them go as opposed to clinging onto the gaslighting and the guilt (e.g.: “well, I guess it’s your choice if you don’t want to be here” comments when THEY were the ones hurting ME).

2. Create your own closure.

Oftentimes we find that friendship and family breakups seem abrupt, without true closure. I was best friends with someone for nearly 12 years and I’ve been thinking about our good times lately. But with that, I’ve also been thinking of the bad. The truth is that she was like an older sister to me, whereas I was her “plan b”/“second choice” friend for a very long time. Write a goodbye letter. Get rid of photos. Do something that allows you to create your own closure. Remember, don’t change yourself to fit others’ narratives of you.

3. Try not to hate the person on the other end.

It would be so easy for me to say, “She was a horrible person because of X, Y and Z.” Although there are times I’ve been hurt by family and friends (and honestly still am hurting from recent experiences), I try my damnedest to acknowledge that we all have flaws and shortcomings. I realize this is much easier said than done, but I’m hoping this will make me a better, stronger person in the end.

4. Allow yourself to feel all the feelings.

Conversely, it’s okay to be angry, hurt, frustrated or upset. As long as you aren’t taking it out on the other person, allow yourself to reflect on your feelings in the present moment. Thinking of a past memory you miss? Cry. Thinking of how good things were in the past? Smile. The more you hold back and shove your feelings into a corner of your mind, the longer it’ll take you to move on.

5. Focus on yourself and the great relationships in your life.

I may never have a best friend who reminds me of an older sister ever again, but I do have amazing friends in my life. I feel loved every day, even if it isn’t by a family member. I may never be close with my family, but I have several friends-turned-family relationships that fill my heart. Be around like-minded, supportive people who will always be there for you (and always be there for them, too!).

Every day of 2020 has felt like an overwhelming struggle, but I am much more resilient than I was before. “When life hands you lemons, they say to make lemonade, but you can’t make lemonade without any sugar.”

I hope these tips help you as much as they’ve helped me 🙂