Learning that consistency is one of the best qualities anyone can possess. My friends who have been supportive, encouraging and consistent — not just now, but always. My support system who have helped me pivot from self-deprecating thoughts and into better boundary-setting. Going on adventures in Chicago with friends, new and old. Having friends who even want to go on those adventures with me.
Walking away from people who aren’t serving me — who aren’t showing up for me physically or emotionally. Not having a relationship with certain family members who would certainly bully me and verbally abuse me because of my personal life right now. Having the courage to even stand up to/walk away from those individuals and groups of people anyway. Finding my chosen family; feeling like I belong with my friends and some of their families (e.g.: Donna’s siblings and parents).
Having the courage to move out here despite the circumstances. Finding my way back to the healthiest work environment I’ve ever experienced — albeit in a rather roundabout way. My health and my body, even though I may not love her and appreciate her everyday. My mobility and the freedom I have to explore and keep going on these fun adventures.
Linley. The fact that he is such a great travel, hiking and adventure buddy. The fact that I have him right now, when all else seems fleeting. Lin getting me out of bed and out of the house everyday; teaching me that there’s insurmountable beauty in the simplest of moments and things.
The fact that I even have things to be grateful for as my heart breaks.
Yesterday evening we ventured over to the AIDS Garden Chicago, memorializing the HIV epidemic and honoring those who live with the disease today.
I hadn’t had a good cry in a while, until yesterday. I’ve been putting a smile on for my new team at work, my neighbors, myself… and the tension I’d been feeling was building up to more I could handle.
Darkness covered us as we enjoyed some cheese and crackers along Lake Michigan when Juan started talking about all our good times together. Knowing that we may not have more of those times together broke me in ways I couldn’t imagine possible—and I just cried. Cried so hard and didn’t have any support from him—not even a hug. I was angry and hurt and scared and alone… until Linley comforted me. He sat right next to me and gave me a hug (yes, my small dog can give hugs!). I made me laugh so hard, and even during one of the saddest moments I’ve had in quite some time, he gave me hope that things will be okay—even if they aren’t right now.
When people say things like “animals don’t have feelings” or “animals aren’t that smart,” I wholeheartedly disagree. I was never allowed to have a dog growing up, but I’ve had my fair share of rodents, and even those little critters had personalities! But Lin is different. He’s the most intuitive fella I know. Others (Airbnb hosts, my friends, complete strangers…) even say that he knows me so well, that we’re a good pair. Even as I type this as I sit at my desk, this is how close he is:
I don’t know a better way to channel my love – and receive it – than being with this guy 💛
Media taken Friday, May 3 and Saturday, May 4, 2022
First and foremost: thank you to those who read my latest post and left beautiful, compassionate comments. Opening up about my mental health was scary and messy and awkward—but incredibly necessary.
It’s increasingly difficult to remain positive during personal and circumstantial times like these: yesterday’s horrific school shooting in Texas, my closest friends suffering from burnout and depression—while I’m trying to be there, suffering the same sorts of feelings, my car had to be towed a couple nights ago, leaving Juan, Linley and I stranded and taking a Lyft back home, family-related anxiety, work ramping up… But I do want to focus on the positives while acknowledging the heartaches.
Last Thursday, my friend Andrea and I took Linley on a four-mile stroll along Chicago’s infamous Riverwalk. He absolutely loves it, as do we. We spent a few hours walking, talking, laughing and ended our time together with some much-needed gelato and ice cold water.
Last Friday, I took Linley to our local dog beach (clearly our favorite spot!) and we had a great time. Lin was playing in the sand bar, pulling on his leash, whining and “talking” with the other pups… it was such a great afternoon! But the rain suddenly approached the beach—creating swirls in the water and the temperature to suddenly drop by 20° at least. Between Lin grabbing leaves from the lake and the rain on our way to the car, he was soaked!
In no way is this intended to minimize what’s going on in the United States, my friends’ lives, my life… but rather a reminder that there is hope and that I always need to find light in the darkness. 🤍
Media taken Thursday, May 19 and Friday, May 20, 2022
Today I wanted to take a step back and write about the current state of my mental health.
When thinking of a title for this post, I wanted to start with “transparency” or “honesty,” but the word “vulnerability resonates more. Brené Brown, one of my favorite researchers and mental health advocates, says that being vulnerable – no matter how scary – is one of bravest things one can be.
Lately I’ve been struggling with current pain and past trauma. Not a day goes by where I don’t think about my family members, former coworkers and friends who have hurt me deeply. The blessing and curse of being an empath (or “indigo child” if you will) is feeling so deeply. Deeper than the average person can feel. I remember every word, moment, feeling… when I have been hurt in the past. For certain friendships or working relationships, time does heal all wounds; I’m not thinking about certain people as frequently as I used to. And I understand that people grow apart, but this is different—this is people who I believe have genuinely hurt me or have taken full advantage of my kindness.
All processing past pain, I’m also coping with current depression. Depression about Chicago not being what I thought it would be, my marriage not being as strong as I’d like it to be, people here letting me down no matter how hard I’ve tried, family and friends from Michigan continuing to let me down… It’s difficult for me to not feel like a failure. I feel like I’m failing in my family’s eyes, in Juan’s eyes, in certain friends’ eyes… I feel like if I leave Chicago that I would be a failure. But is it worth staying when my depression is worsening?
Last week one of my closest friends here betrayed my trust. I continue to feel like Juan and I are growing apart, not wanting the same things of the future. I feel financially trapped and scared that I’ll never live the life I want to live. I’m afraid my family will continue to misunderstand me and never fully accept me as I am.
For the first time in my life, I truly don’t know how to move forward. I know I’ve been open about my struggles with mental health on this platform, but things feel worse this time.
Living with depression feels like living with a deep sense of hopelessness, despair and constantly feeling alone or misunderstood.
But what I really want and need to feel is a clear path forward—a light in the darkness.
As my last couple of weeks in the mitten come to a close, I move into my new season of life with a full heart. I was able to spend time with my best friends and although no time spent is ever enough, I’m heading to my new home with happiness and peace in my decisions. I could think that my time in Michigan was filled with “lasts,” but I’m truly elated for all of the upcoming “firsts” to be experienced with my small family unit 😌
September 1 – spending the evening with an old neighbor/friend, and our dogs
September 2 – celebrating a friend’s birthday with sushi and cocktails in Ann Arbor
September 3 – a long overdue phone call with one of my best friends from Asheville
September 4 – all-day quality time with one of my best friends and our dogs, filled with much needed conversations and exploring
September 5 – breakfast with a dear friend who instantly makes me feel at home, and floating in Ann Arbor with two friends and Linley
September 6 – a morning walk along the river
September 7 – floating down some rapids with one of my best friends, right before the storm
September 8 – spending nearly all day on the couch with Juan, watching Never Have I Ever while I worked
September 9 – Linley’s “Gotcha Day!” festivities
September 10 – we received an offer on our house and took Linley on a nice afternoon walk
September 11 – Linley’s third Doggie Splash and dinner with good friends
September 12 – our last hike at the arboretum
September 13 – morning snuggles with Juan and Linley before work and a much-needed phone call with a dear friend
September 14 – a night on the town, all on my friend Donna
September 15 – another great night with a friend in Detroit, and watching Lin run and play with his friends
For those of us in the United States, Memorial Day weekend can mean a variety of things, even though its main purpose is to celebrate those we lost in service. I strongly disagree with the reasons why we enter into war, but I support those who defend our nation for the right reasons, and heavily reflect on my family members and friends who have served overseas.
With that being said, I’m not only reflecting on my loved ones who have served today; I’m also relishing in past memories with others who I’m not as close with anymore. For some reason, I’ve traveled somewhere on or around Memorial Day weekend in recent years and cannot stop wishing to be back in those places, with those individuals, during those exact moments in life.
Myrtle Beach, South Carolina (May 2018)
One of the happiest days of my life
Empire, Michigan (May 2020)
One of my favorite days last spring
I wish things were different with my loved ones. Maybe things will be better again or maybe they never will be, but either way I can cherish these memories and plan future adventures with friends.
I wish all of you a safe, healthy and fun-filled Memorial Day weekend!
Whenever someone says, “You know what would help? Journaling,” I cringe. Turning something I love (writing) into a chore, a “must-do,” is really difficult for me to overcome. It reminds me of high school: I loved reading until the teachers told me what I had to read, how to interpret the literature, and how many chapters to complete by the next session…
I digress. But my point is that journaling can feel daunting and forced if it becomes something you have to do as opposed to something you want to accomplish.
Gratitude journaling, however, feels different to me. I simply reflect on people or moments that brought me joy a few days per week, then I’m done. It reminds me to focus on the positive and feel gratitude toward the people and situations that truly matter.
1. My former and new teams
I started a new position at a different company last week, and I’ve been emotional about it on many levels. My former teammates put together a touching “see you later” video for me, and it moved me to tears. Even through screens miles apart, I grew very close with my team-turned-friends and will miss them very much (I already do!). The same day, I received a welcome kit, a box of chocolates and a gorgeous bouquet of springtime flowers from my current teammates. I was moved on many levels last week, and am incredibly grateful for the lifelong friendships from my Asheville team, and the newfound relationships to be established on my Chicago team.
2. Midweek dinner and drinks with one of my best friends
Jaclyn and I always know how to have a great time, even on a Wednesday! We tend to work very different schedules, and we’re good about making time for each other regardless. Detroit is the perfect midway point for both of us, so we grabbed dinner at the Basement Burger Bar in Greektown. The two of us had a lot to share with each other, which led to us enjoying some Long Island Iced Teas on Old Shillelagh’s patio (a staple of late-night adventures!). Jaclyn and I have lived far away from each other before, and have continued to remain close and make time for each other despite the distance. Who knew a random college roommate would turn into a lifelong friend 🙂
3. Saturday brunch with Dani in Ann Arbor
As much as I love Detroit, Ann Arbor is my go-to place in Michigan. Dani and I enjoyed a lovely meal at Café Zola, followed by some spicy cocktails at Vinology. We met in 2018 when we worked on the same team, and become even closer ever since. The two of us are planning some summer/fall vacations together – I’m very excited to travel with her soon!
4. Getting the best seat in the house at Cliff Bells jazz club
If you know me, you know how much I love going out to eat at funky places, and how much I love live music. Detroit is known for its history with motown and jazz, and Cliff Bells is the prime place to experience both. Juan and I have been to Bells somewhere between five and ten times since moving to the Detroit area, and were finally placed at the booth closest to the band. The Rodney Whitaker Quartet performed on Saturday night and let me tell you: THIS was the show to have the best seats for. I can’t wait to go back!
5. Kayaking with Aniya in Bay City
Yesterday was full of adventure when my Little Sister and I went kayaking on one of the windiest days. We had no idea the weather would be as extreme as it was, but we were able to share some laughs and still enjoyed ourselves through the struggle of getting back to shore. The owners and employees at Float Paddle Center in Bay City were beyond kind and truly cared about our wellbeing during the storm; they called me while we were out on the water and took great care of us while we were soaking wet, getting out of the kayak we were sitting in for nearly three hours. Aniya high-fived me afterward, I hugged her and we headed home with the heat cranked all the way up in my car.
Not to sound negative, but life sucks sometimes. I’ve been on a rollercoaster with people and situations that life has thrown me, but focusing on what’s going right will hopefully help me overcome what is going wrong 🙂
I wanted to put a pause on my regular travel posts and write about something that’s been lingering in the forefront of my mind this year.
I’ve been struggling with long-term extended family estrangement and somewhat short-term immediate family drama, as well as some pretty upsetting friendship breakups. I won’t go into specifics in order to protect those around me, but I’ve been in a dark place for about a year or so now. As one can imagine, this has taken a toll on my mental health.
I recently heard a quote on one of my favorite podcasts that goes a little something like this:
“Depression is the greatest acting teacher. I can smile through anything even though I just want the ground to open up and swallow me whole.” If that doesn’t hit you like a semi truck, I’m not sure what will…
I’m not a therapist or licensed professional by any means, but I wanted to share some strategies I’ve been applying to help with the pain of broken friendships and family relationships. It’s important to note that all of these points coincide with each other and this is the “flow” as I see it. Remember: everyone’s journey is highly personal and individual.
1. Don’t change who you are for those around you.
I have a lot of people in my life – family members in particular – who will never be proud of me, no matter what I do. In the past and present, I have been laughed at or mocked for my dreams and ambitions. Family members have and will continue to make me feel small to build themselves up. About five years ago, I chose to let them go as opposed to clinging onto the gaslighting and the guilt (e.g.: “well, I guess it’s your choice if you don’t want to be here” comments when THEY were the ones hurting ME).
2. Create your own closure.
Oftentimes we find that friendship and family breakups seem abrupt, without true closure. I was best friends with someone for nearly 12 years and I’ve been thinking about our good times lately. But with that, I’ve also been thinking of the bad. The truth is that she was like an older sister to me, whereas I was her “plan b”/“second choice” friend for a very long time. Write a goodbye letter. Get rid of photos. Do something that allows you to create your own closure. Remember, don’t change yourself to fit others’ narratives of you.
3. Try not to hate the person on the other end.
It would be so easy for me to say, “She was a horrible person because of X, Y and Z.” Although there are times I’ve been hurt by family and friends (and honestly still am hurting from recent experiences), I try my damnedest to acknowledge that we all have flaws and shortcomings. I realize this is much easier said than done, but I’m hoping this will make me a better, stronger person in the end.
4. Allow yourself to feel all the feelings.
Conversely, it’s okay to be angry, hurt, frustrated or upset. As long as you aren’t taking it out on the other person, allow yourself to reflect on your feelings in the present moment. Thinking of a past memory you miss? Cry. Thinking of how good things were in the past? Smile. The more you hold back and shove your feelings into a corner of your mind, the longer it’ll take you to move on.
5. Focus on yourself and the great relationships in your life.
I may never have a best friend who reminds me of an older sister ever again, but I do have amazing friends in my life. I feel loved every day, even if it isn’t by a family member. I may never be close with my family, but I have several friends-turned-family relationships that fill my heart. Be around like-minded, supportive people who will always be there for you (and always be there for them, too!).
Every day of 2020 has felt like an overwhelming struggle, but I am much more resilient than I was before. “When life hands you lemons, they say to make lemonade, but you can’t make lemonade without any sugar.”
I hope these tips help you as much as they’ve helped me 🙂
Traveling with the Traceys 