I’ve been an Atlanta resident for exactly one week, and as happy and at home as I feel here, I miss my friends I met through work. This time last year I left Chicago for Michigan on much different terms (going through a divorce, feeling lost, unsure of the future) and now it’s the complete opposite—all thanks to my support system who helped me through difficult times back home.
I wouldn’t be the confident woman standing in Atlanta today if I didn’t have these friends by my side this past year. I only wish they were here with me. 💛
As Linley was heading over to my house for his drop off in 2017, I was researching the best hiking trails for dogs when I stumbled across Empire Bluff Trail in northern Michigan. We’ve ventured up there every year since 2018, and last weekend was no exception.
Although he probably wouldn’t consider himself this to me, my “ex” was traveling with friends last weekend, and I knew I had to do something to distract myself from all the negative self-talk and anxiety-inducing thoughts. What a perfect time to take Linley on our fifth-annual trip! Linley may not be able to talk, but man is he a good listener, haha! And Linley is definitely cuter… he’s my best friend after all. I knew my mind was often sidetracked but I still had such an enjoyable, memorable weekend with my pup!
Linley and I first dropped things off at our yurt on Saturday. It was such a cute set up, and our hosts Jen and Jeff (the property owners) were super helpful, responsive and downright kind—which is par for the course up north. I know I’m skipping ahead a bit, but I’ll say Linley and I both got great sleep in our yurt!
Empire Bluff Trail was our first adventure of the day, which is a shady, uphill trail until you reach the top of a gorgeous sand dune. As Linley marked and panted his way upward, I was able to take in some stunning views (it was the first time I saw a deer up here!).
Our favorite thing to do is nap it out and soak up some rays and views before heading back down. Without fail, Linley always digs himself a cooler spot in the sand—and it’s my absolute favorite thing to watch.
Upon waking up, Linley and I overheard people gathering for what sounded to be a wedding. In all my time up here, I’d never seen a wedding, or even thought it to be a possibility. I met my ex on vacation because I crashed his friend’s bachelor party, and here Linley and I are almost crashing a wedding haha! We woke up, headed back down the trail, and snapped some photos along the way.
Of course we had to hit the dog-friendly Empire Beach afterward! We didn’t spend too much time in the water, but we did lounge on the sand and Linley got some attention—both from little kids and adults! He did some digging while I did some reading, and we snuggled up to watch the sunset together.
By the evening hit, we were pooped. We headed back to the yurt, snuggled up for bed and slept like babies. I may have missed the stars at night, but I’m happy I finally got some good sleep—especially with my favorite nap buddy by my side.
After a lazy morning, we decided to hit a new beach – part of the Sleeping Bear Dunes – before heading south. Esch Beach is a large stretch of Lake Michigan with half being welcoming for dogs. All these years and I’ve never even heard of this beach, so it was cool to check it out!
Heartbreak, feeling used and led on, manipulated… not really knowing if he was honest from the beginning… all sucks. It’s made me feel extremely depressed, as has knowing he probably doesn’t care about me at all (and never did). But I’ll say that having Linley helped me get through my divorce last year, and spending time with him is helping me now—as always. 💛
Media taken Saturday, June 17 and Sunday, June 18, 2023.
I deleted yesterday’s post because although people are trying to be helpful, phrases like “enjoy the moment” and “patience is a virtue” – among other cliques – can be harmful post-breakup. Phrases like that can actually minimize someone’s pain, and the only way to mend a broken heart is to feel all stages of grief. I need to heal on my own, in my own way. 💛
That said, I wanted to repost the photos I’d shared because these memories have brought me joy and have made me smile lately, and I hope they do the same for you! 😌
March felt like a month of setbacks, irritability and challenges. But when I reflect on the good moments, I still made progress and have so much to be thankful for. Sure, I felt – and still feel – easily annoyed at times, but I’m continuing to work through hardship, set and adhere to my boundaries, and am grateful for the adventures that March brought me. I’ve been keeping up with reading, am learning to play the harmonica, am getting new ink and am creating more space for positive friendships and opportunities. ❤️
MSU vs. OSU basketball game with dad!Meeting baby Lily in D.C.!Treating my parents to a lovely dinner and show at Cliff Bell’s jazz club in Detroit!Learning Black Betty on the harmonicaGetting matching tattoos with my Little Sister of nearly nine years!Happy hour with the work ladies!Brought Lin into the office again!More outdoor time with my best bud“Pupdates” from mom while I’m away
February, March and April were – and will continue to be – filled with new adventures, travel experience and growth. I can officially cross two more of my 2023 wishes as complete!
I’m still discovering a passion, but I’m making significant strides in healing. I wrote what I call “burn letters” early last month—which really helped me get my feelings out and heal. I wrote letters to friends who haven’t been there for me, Juan and people who have recently hurt me when I trusted them most.
Linley has been a big part of my healing progress. We’ve gone on some familiar trails, he’s been my buddy at work and we’re planning some new adventures together!
The cooking, reading, saying “no” and “yes” at the right times, setting boundaries, creating new adventures… it’s all happening and I’m setting the foundation so it continues to happen. I’m really excited about this—and it’s needed to happen for so long now.
I took myself on a date to the Viagra Boys concert in Detroit on February 23rd!Reunited with KP in New Orleans for her birthday on February 24!Had the most uplifting reading yet!
And as far as community goes, I have the best coworkers-turned-friends in my current job. I LOVE IT HERE! There are certainly some difficult days with clients or our partners, but I never expected to “belong” as much as I currently do (I felt like I had to change to “fit in” elsewhere). Don, Giacomo, Baylen, Justin… are all becoming close friends, and Catherine and Veronica already are! KP and I even saw Don and his girlfriend Jennifer in NOLA over the weekend, where the Viagra Boys tee shirts from Thursday evening made an appearance!
Things are difficult and turbulent and hard and beautiful and hopeful and bittersweet, but I’m slowly seeing the clouds parting. I’m seeing who my truest friends are – and were this entire time – and I’m feeling like the best is yet to come. 💛
On New Years Eve, I sat with a couple girlfriends on the west side of Michigan, as we wrote down our “resolutions” (I put that word in quotation marks because I like to think of it as more ‘aspirational’ than specific, quantifiable ‘goals’). January has been an exceptionally hard month: seeing my ex-husband for the first time since our divorce and leaving Chicago, losing my dad’s best friend who we weren’t able to see prior to her passing, no longer being able to trust one of my male friends because he led me to believe he was someone he wasn’t, and my depression overall rapidly getting worse. Each month, I’m going to track my progress on each of my wishes for no one other than myself — but feel free to tag along if you wish.
Wish #1: ???
I decided to keep this one to myself for now, but plan to write more about this when the time is right.
Wish #2: Travel to South Africa, & plan other trips…
One of my best friends and her husband recently moved to Atlanta, Georgia from Johannesburg. Andy and I have worked together since the spring, and we became extremely close after all the project managers got together in person in August. Andy and Shawn are the kindest, funniest, most supportive people I could ask for in my life right now — both as individuals and as a couple. They’ve both been through difficult divorces in the past, and inspire me and give me hope that my true love exists — and that I’ll find him someday soon, without settling or compromising my beliefs or self worth. I visited them in Atlanta last weekend and I seriously needed all the laughs, time outdoors, lazy mornings watching TV and meeting more of their South African friends in the area.
Coincidentally, I’ve wanted to visit South Africa since I was about 10 years old. Andy and Shawn really want me to tag along with them the next time they return home. Whether that’s this summer or sometime in 2024, I look forward to my time with them, and to the other adventures abroad that are on the horizon for 2023.
Wish #3: Figure out my health bullshit!
As it turns out, I did indeed have a kidney infection, NOT a gallbladder or pancreas issue. Thank goodness I visited the Women’s Hospital of UofM, or else I probably would’ve had my gallbladder removed unnecessarily. If I still experience symptoms, I’ll be returning to the urologist for further testing, but for now I should be in the clear and my levels – and pain – are stable. I also made an appointment for my back problems and although my spine will never look the way I’d like it to, it was a relief to know that it “isn’t noticeable” to the average person — and now I can start planning for a new tattoo.
Wish #4: Find home in a physical place the way I have found home in myself…
I love who I am: I love how I look, I know what I deserve and I wouldn’t change anything about who I am as a person. HOWEVER, I do not feel at home here in Michigan. I left Michigan for a reason (or, several reasons…) and just because Chicago wasn’t my home either, doesn’t mean that I have to settle for less than I deserve here. Sure, some really good things have come out of me being here again, but my time here has been full of letdowns, false problems, and physical, emotional and mental pain. Maybe I’ll receive a permanent residency permit so I can live in Toronto. Maybe I’ll move somewhere closer to one of my best friends on the east coast. Maybe I’ll move to Charlotte, North Carolina because I had the best time with some of the best people this summer. Or maybe I’ll go somewhere totally new. The overwhelming possibilities are endless, but not all those who wander are lost.
Wish #5: More ink!
As previously mentioned, I’m planning my next tattoo, but am also working on finishing my foot/ankle and really want to get my dog’s paw print on my other ankle soon.
Wish #6: Find a passion – new or old.
I’m definitely getting back into music. As a kid, I was able to play three or four different instruments and found that music was a great outlet for me. Maybe I’ll get back into the piano or play something totally new — either way, I’m excited to explore this more. I also want to start swimming laps at a local gym every day, but am waiting until I relocate because figuring that out is like swimming laps in and of itself!
Wish #7: Heal from my marriage, time in Chicago, friendships ending…
It’s nearly impossible to put a timeline on this one. Progress isn’t linear with this one! Some days I feel on top of the world; others I feel like I’m drowning in my own depression, feeling like the universe is kicking me while I’m down. Seeing my ex-husband earlier in the month was necessary for my own healing, yet it was one of the saddest, heartbreaking things I’ve done. Being around someone you loved and who loved you for nearly a decade… and not being able to be with them in that capacity anymore… unless you’ve tried remaining friends with the person you thought was your soulmate is… hard to explain. It’s soul-crushing. I would give anything to go back to the good times where we both were happy — but my ex-husband doesn’t exactly feel the same way. I had to stare acceptance in the face and truly accept that things will never be as they were. Typing that even now – nearly a month later – feels daunting and depressing.
However… I am opening my heart where and when it needs to be open. I’m not only setting boundaries, but am finally adhering to them. I’m creating space for new friendships and new love, and although I’m losing hope, I haven’t fully given up yet. I wish I didn’t have to struggle this much and feel all this hurt within my heart — but I can only hope it all has to be worth it on the other side.
Wish #8: More bonding experiences with Lin!
I majorly need to step this one up. Because I live with my parents at the moment, Linley has shared the love between all three of us — making it hard to have that quality time I need with him. I hope to plan more adventures with Linley: before, during and after we relocate somewhere new. He’s the best dog in the whole world, and is my favorite adventure buddy!
Wish #9: More reading, cooking, exploring, saying “yes” and “no” when I want…
Saying “no” – even when it’s best for me – is still something I feel extremely guilty about. This is probably one of my biggest personal hurdles I need to jump leaps and bounds over this year. The good news is that I’m reading and cooking much more than I have in the past, and the exploring is still going strong! Over Martin Luther King Jr. weekend, my dad and I made homemade gluten free calzones and fish and chips. I’m excited to try even more recipes with the people I love most!
Wish #10: Finding community who loves and accepts me for me…
For the first time in my 29 years of life, I finally have this at work. I can be myself, crack my jokes, bring my personality to all of my projects, consultants and client teams, and feel valued for my contributions. I have never had community in my own family, or in my physical location. I hope to find this when I leave Michigan as well; I want to find that group who I feel deeply connected with and not for the sake of “fitting in” — but truly belonging as I am.
Although I am grieving my marriage and what I’d hoped was “home” in Chicago – and despite some of the hardship I’ve endured since being back in Michigan – there are several moments and people I am beyond grateful for.
It’s been challenging to put all of my emotions into words lately (both positive and sad), but I will say this: If you made me smile or gave me hope in these last few months, thank you from the bottom of my heart! 💛
Linley is always my best friend, but lately he hasn’t been my “little white shadow!” When we moved back in with my parents in September, I knew he’d be sharing his love between my mom, dad and me; however, I’ve missed his and my bonding time that we had so much of in Chicago.
My parents left for Florida on Monday and return today, as they always do between the holidays. Linley was back at my side 24/7, and we had quite the fun and relaxing week full of snuggles! I even took him into the office and through Starbucks for a much-needed pup cup this week, where he made a new friend Sugar.
We’re super pumped to see my parents later this afternoon, but I’ll miss this little guy right at my side.
Media taken December 27 through December 30, 2022.
29. Divorced. Living with my parents. May not be able to afford a home. Don’t know where I want to live, or if I even want to stay in Michigan.
“If I stay in Michigan, am I settling? Am I a failure if I stay here? Am I a failure if I move away again and hate it? Did I cause my marriage to fail? Will my heart ever be whole again?”
All of these feelings are flooding my mind lately. I have been feeding “the bad wolf.”
BUT I have also been feeding “the good wolf.”
“Maybe I need to be surrounded by some of my best friends and parents in Michigan right now. Maybe if I were living by myself I would feel even more alone. Maybe I don’t have to have all the answers on where to live yet, and maybe I can travel a bit to figure that out. Or stay put. I don’t have to do a damn thing if I don’t want to!”
Although being here (‘here’ means being around certain people) reminds of me times that I’ve been hurt, I’m also finding new and old friendships pulling me out of despair and into a feeling of inclusion and, dare I say, home.
Detroit Red Wings!Facts!Dive bar in Grand Rapids!Bowling with Crystal!A salty dog!Linley the snow bunny!
Chicago probably isn’t in the cards; I gave that place and experience my everything. But if I stay in Michigan, I’m not a failure. If I move away and hate it, I’m not a failure. If I move away and love it, I’m not a failure. If I ever find love again and it doesn’t pan out the way I want it to, I’m not a failure. I’m not a failure for spending thanksgiving with another family other than my own. And I’m certainly not a failure for feeling all these conflicting emotions while I’m healing my broken heart. ❤️
The first month being without a husband, the first full month of being away from Chicago, the beginning of losing people left and right, my body shutting down on me and my first full month of not being at peace with my current circumstances.
HOWEVER, what an exciting month it has been! AND what incredible people I have in my life—who have showed up like none other.
Here were some of my favorite memories last month, and hope this kind of support and hope continues into November.
Celebrating my best friend’s birthday at Ren Fest!…and spending time with new friends, too!Supporting and celebrating my friend’s tattoo shop grand opening!Leading the way in the scariest haunted houseVeronica’s and my first RHPS!Our third annual Witches Night Out!Celebrating my best friend and her little one!…and my parents watching Lin while I was away!Reuniting with my best friend and her parents in Germany!Saskia surprised me with the best sushi dinner!…and the sweetest birthday brunch!Clubbing, just like the good ole days!Parting ways at the airportSaying hello to my Norwegian Uncle, Kjell!Bergen: My happy place!Fishing for my dinner“Getting arrested” by Kjell and his partner!…and finally meeting his oldest son, Mangus!Always good to reunite with Markus!Parting ways with Kjell at 4amReuniting with Lin!Handing out candy with dad!
The past two or three weeks have dragged on and the days feel as though they’re blending together. I’ve been passed around from doctor to doctor – including a six-hour stint in the ER – to figure out whether I have kidney stones or a kidney infection, pancreatitis or gallstones. Every day I wake up feeling hungover even though I can’t drink, and have experienced similar symptoms to a UTI or kidney stones for the past 30 days or so…
On top of the health stuff, this period of limbo and transition has been extremely difficult—and eye-opening. With all the negative comes many positives, and I am grateful for the moments and people who have helped me through these past few weeks.
Enjoying the lake life with my second familyPlanning a much-needed trip (this was from 2012!)Linley gets ice cream after his grooming appointmentReconnecting with my aunt and uncleFinding light in the darknessSolid music recommendations from the coolest coworkersHangin’ with the cutest kiddo!
As we enter my favorite month of the year, I’m going to focus on:
Allow me to explain… and disclaimer: this is my personal experience, not a generalization of the city or Chicagoans as a whole.
During yesterday’s therapy session, I was vulnerable with Erin about my grief. Grief of my marriage/ten-year relationship coming to an end, grief of a city I’ve always wanted to live in and will be leaving soon, and grief of a life I wanted to live and share with the love of my life.
For several months, I struggled with emotionally and physically absent loved ones, manipulative and rude coworkers, a few friends who have proven to be more about status and materialism than the “warm hug” feeling I receive from my friends who live elsewhere, and not feeling a sense of community or belonging here in Chicago—despite all of my efforts. All of these situations and feelings caused me to question the validity of my marriage, my newfound friendships, and decision to move here in the first place.
When I was six years old, my mom, brother and I took the train to Chicago from Flint to see my dad who worked here at the time—as we did most weekends. I saw big city lights, lots of diverse people, the bustling streets with seemingly important and busy people heading to work and looking stylish, and heard new noises as we approached the city. I turned to my mom and said, “I’m going to live here one day.” Despite many of my favorite childhood and college memories taking place in this incredible city, it has lost all its magic.
“What does it feel like to you, Cate?” Erin asked me. “Why do you need Chicago so much?”
To which I answered, “It feels like I’m relearning that Santa isn’t real and never has been. And I guess I needed Chicago because this used to be my happy place, and I’m sad that it isn’t anymore.”
BUT the world is my happy place. The memories I’ve shared here with friends and family (including Lin of course!) can never be replaced—and nothing can ever take that away from me. I have also had incredible memories in the 24 countries I’ve visited (three of which have held addresses in) and the over 30 states I’ve explored within the US.
I look forward to reclaiming this city as a staple favorite when I move—whether that be one, three, six… months from now. Tomorrow I will start by kayaking downtown with a Michigan friend, but today I need some space from her (her being Chicago, NOT my Michigan friend haha!).
As a 28-year-old young woman now, I would hug six-year-old me looking out the Amtrak at the big city, and say “You did it. And now it’s time to go on even bigger adventures.” 💛
Traveling with the Traceys 