TL;DR: Look up, get some sunshine, call a friend, spend time with ones you love when you’re feeling down. It may not take all the pain away, but you deserve some peace and you’re allowed to give yourself grace + feel your feelings as they come. ❤️‍🩹

Trigger warning TW: Family estrangement,  verbal abuse. 

Yesterday was a hard day and it’s been a hard week. Last Friday, a family member who I haven’t seen since 2018 and haven’t heard from since about a year ago reached out to me multiple times. When I heard from them a year ago, more hurtful things were said (again) and the worst part is that this happened during my honeymoon. They always know when to share things/reach out at the worst time. 

Then Sunday rolls around and some triggers came up while my parents visited. Although my relationship is significantly better with them, they’re the only biological family I speak to. There will always be challenges and reminders that come with that…

And then yesterday, we had a virtual baby shower for a teammate at work who is having a second child (a boy). He has a daughter and he kept saying how excited he is that his soon-to-be younger son will have an older sister to look up to and learn from, because his older sisters are gifts to him. It’s just me and my brother and because I’m older and estranged, I felt immediate guilt, sadness, heaviness and also anger. Why didn’t he ever view me or our relationship as a gift, the way that I viewed him and our relationship? I don’t know. I may never know. But it hit so hard. 

Whether you know me personally or have read my WordPress blog for a while, you may know the struggles I face with the grief vs. relief of it all.

I’ve been estranged from most family for nearly a decade now but never thought my brother’s and my bond would break. When things about sibling love are shared, or birthdays pass, or moments where I considered my brother to be my best friend fill my memory again, it’s extremely hard. If you’re struggling with the same thing or something parallel, just know that I see you, I understand you and all your complex, rollercoaster feelings are valid.