I lay awake at 03:52 ET, hearing the sounds of Alex and Linley breathing (my forever favorite white noise machine) 😌 and feel empowered — although exhausted.
October was such a lovely month full of positive changes, and ever since the election things have felt bleak. Unbelievable. The air has felt heavier, and then family and new job drama layered on top of it *almost* took me out of the fight. The fight to celebrate my engagement. The fight to keep looking for that career that’ll springboard me on the right path. The fight to continue listening to progressive independent liberal media.
But I’m not out of the fight, and I’m not out OF fight. ✨
Instead of basking in the shambles of the election, family tension and feeling like I “got it wrong” on the job front again, I’m going to do the following:
Continue going to therapy and feeling in control of my life, the way I did during yesterday’s session
Continue knowing that I’m on the right path for ME, even if others “don’t get it”
Continue looking for wedding dresses so I can try them on with my mother in law, her best friend and my aunt — because I’m excited people want to celebrate with me
Continue applying for jobs in the nonprofit/government space in the city of Atlanta, because Atlanta is my home and I want to find a job based here
Learn French the way I used to in college, because I deeply miss it
Fix my typewriter, because similar to this post, I just have to do it EVEN when I feel my words aren’t “worth it” to anyone (they’re worth it to me)
Find a solid volunteer organization here, directly helping those impacted by the election results (Feminist Healthcare perhaps)
Fuck what society, family, former friends, ex-coworkers… think of me, because I’m my favorite version of myself 💛
^ All this is within my control, and I have a LOT of Google searching and ordering to do. 😉
Hold me accountable? I need all the help I can get…
A few weeks ago, we celebrated our safety during the tropical storm that hit Atlanta — and we hit the Georgia Aquarium for a private wine-centered event. The aquarium hosts Aqua Vino events where guests can dress up, sample wine and see all the animals… with no crowds or kids to worry about! It was the perfect excuse to dress up, sample some wine, listen to live music and explore the aquarium. I felt like a classy adult and a kind again all in one! We even got our picture with a beluga whale within the first half hour.
I bid on a silent auction painting from a sea lion named Finnian (spoiler alert: I ended up winning it!) and pet some sting rays along the way. I felt like I was reclaiming my not-so-fond childhood memories during vacations and such… so it felt special in more ways than one. I also found the Alex and me “in another universe” with these koi fish!
We continued exploring the different areas of the aquarium — including the tunnel and massive viewing room — to see some really impressive sharks. We wandered through different exhibits and joked about the fish and their names along the way. Laughing with Alex is my favorite thing to do and I had a blast. I can’t wait for more adventures like this to come!
And of course, I had to stop by the penguin exhibit before I saw one of my favorite animals…
The otters were actually awake! I was so surprised and happy, so Alex and I spent a good deal of time watching them play and swim around. The same employee who helped when I pet the sting rays was also there to tell us more about these cuties. I was so excited I had to take a video!
Alex and I had a wonderful time getting dolled up and enjoyed a near-private walkthrough of a typically chaotic and popular place. It’s great that the aquarium hosts fundraisers like this, and I hope to attend many more!
[Spoiler alert: Yes, this will ultimately be a lovely post about Alex’s and my love story, but I need to explain the hell I’ve been through to make you appreciate the journey more. 💛]
From last weekend’s anniversary dinner
In May of 2023, I was blindsided by someone I was “dating” long-distance (I put “dating” in quotes because I thought we were dating; he claimed we weren’t after the fact…) I’d known this person since February and we spoke every day, made efforts to see each other when possible… but then one day around Mother’s Day, he ghosted, then “zombied” (which is coming back from ghosting with a bunch of excuses), then ghosted again. Although I had zero interest in being with this individual after nearly a week or more of not answering my messages, he was a narcissist and claimed that me asking questions about what happened and why he ghosted was “wasting each others’ time” and that he didn’t want to “lead me on” as I was trying to find closure. Even when I said that I wanted feedback for the man I was actually meant to be with (NOT him), his gaslighting was through the roof.
The above bullshit (pardon my French) took place during and after my marriage. The rollercoaster of addiction (including “dry drunk” behaviors for over five+ years), the physical and emotional abandonment and gaslighting/lack of accountability ran rampant no matter how “good” we were, where we lived or how much quality time we even spent together. After the marriage ended, I felt like I had this revolving door of men — even though I wasn’t seeking male attention or making first moves. I was blindsided, ghosted, used… by about four or five guys before I’d met Alex, and as mad as I am at them, I’m disappointed that I hadn’t set better boundaries – both physical and emotional – after the divorce.
[TLDR: My whole life has been spent searching for the love from someone else who sees me the way *I* see *myself.* A lot of people may think I seem insecure or like a love addict myself, when really I’ve always wanted that best friend who truly saw me, loved to spend time and travel with me, who would laugh with me and hug me even on our hardest days… all because I never had a stable, grounded family life. I’ve been confident in myself and who I am since day one, and finding someone who felt the same about me AND themself has been a challenge… all until I met Alex…]
On Father’s Day weekend of 2023, Linley and I went camping on what used to be our annual Empire Trail and Beach hike in northern Michigan, when we lived in the Midwest. (Let’s face facts: Linley is and always will be my first love, my partner in crime, my best friend!) Spending time in nature snuggled up with my little guy made me realize that there was someone out there for me; I just had to be more intentional in finding him (re: insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results).
I’d known I would be moving to Atlanta later that summer/early fall by this point, so why not try online dating with someone who a) was also dating intentionally and b) would want to get to know me before I even moved to Atlanta and c) I could be honest about my past marriage and dating history with. So, I did just that!
I joined Coffee Meets Bagel on June 23, had matches starting June 24, and matched with Alex on June 27 of 2023 (I have problems, don’t ask me how I can remember those dates!) Our first phone call was July 4, our first video call was probably less than a week after that, we left audio messages on days we couldn’t video chat and even saw each other in person twice in one month before I’d moved down here on Linley’s Gotcha Day. I’d known I loved Alex since before even meeting him in person last summer, but I knew I was in love with him late August/early September.
Vancouver in late August, 2023Biking around Stanley Park!Boat ride and orca sighting in Seattle!
Over the weekend, we celebrated our one year anniversary. I can’t wait to share more about how we recreated our first weekend together! But for now, I wanted to write the above for ME, because I don’t think I’ve ever really wrote about the journey — even for myself. 💛
Yesterday was my six month anniversary of living in Atlanta, Georgia — and all I can say is that I’m in awe of my life now. I dreamed of this happiness as a young child and haven’t felt this good for this long… ever. The love Alex and I share, the relationship I have with Alex’s family, his friends who have welcomed me and the friends I’ve met since moving here are all beyond my wildest dreams. With happy tears in my eyes, I can tell you this is the best life I’m living for myself — and young me would be very proud.
To feel a true sense of belonging and welcoming from Alex and his family means more than I can’t put into words.
When I was living in the Midwest, I had to scramble to find alternate holiday plans. I don’t mean to be a Grinch with what I share below, but I do want to set the tone for how past holidays with my immediate family would go: There was absolutely no way that I would spend a day of gratitude and love with my brother and his wife who I’m estranged from, or parents who will never love me the way they love my brother, or family members who judged me for being with men who weren’t white, for my tattoos or for my willingness to go to therapy to break our toxic family cycles of generational trauma. Short story long: I always spent time with friends and their families to avoid what I would deem as nothing short of toxic.
The only cousin I’m close to and her fiancé Ben visited us a couple weekends ago, and it was a great way to kick off the holidays! We played games until midnight and had fun at some of our favorite local restaurants. I love Katy more than she’ll ever know. 💛
Last month, I made a new friend while taking Linley to the dog park on one of my days off. Ariel and I went on our first “friend date” of many, and even Alex loved how close we became! It was definitely fate. ✨
Alex’s and my first Christmas together was nothing short of amazing. And it’ll be the first of many. 🥰 Linley and I had so much fun with his family relaxing in the morning, eating great food throughout the day and enjoying some espresso martinis along the way. Alex and his family welcomed us and have made us feel a sense of belonging since the moment we moved down to Georgia in September. We couldn’t feel more lucky. 🥹
And just because I’m feeling this grateful and loved, here are some other fun December photos we took this month:
I’ve been an Atlanta resident for exactly one week, and as happy and at home as I feel here, I miss my friends I met through work. This time last year I left Chicago for Michigan on much different terms (going through a divorce, feeling lost, unsure of the future) and now it’s the complete opposite—all thanks to my support system who helped me through difficult times back home.
I wouldn’t be the confident woman standing in Atlanta today if I didn’t have these friends by my side this past year. I only wish they were here with me. 💛
As Linley was heading over to my house for his drop off in 2017, I was researching the best hiking trails for dogs when I stumbled across Empire Bluff Trail in northern Michigan. We’ve ventured up there every year since 2018, and last weekend was no exception.
Although he probably wouldn’t consider himself this to me, my “ex” was traveling with friends last weekend, and I knew I had to do something to distract myself from all the negative self-talk and anxiety-inducing thoughts. What a perfect time to take Linley on our fifth-annual trip! Linley may not be able to talk, but man is he a good listener, haha! And Linley is definitely cuter… he’s my best friend after all. I knew my mind was often sidetracked but I still had such an enjoyable, memorable weekend with my pup!
Linley and I first dropped things off at our yurt on Saturday. It was such a cute set up, and our hosts Jen and Jeff (the property owners) were super helpful, responsive and downright kind—which is par for the course up north. I know I’m skipping ahead a bit, but I’ll say Linley and I both got great sleep in our yurt!
Empire Bluff Trail was our first adventure of the day, which is a shady, uphill trail until you reach the top of a gorgeous sand dune. As Linley marked and panted his way upward, I was able to take in some stunning views (it was the first time I saw a deer up here!).
Our favorite thing to do is nap it out and soak up some rays and views before heading back down. Without fail, Linley always digs himself a cooler spot in the sand—and it’s my absolute favorite thing to watch.
Upon waking up, Linley and I overheard people gathering for what sounded to be a wedding. In all my time up here, I’d never seen a wedding, or even thought it to be a possibility. I met my ex on vacation because I crashed his friend’s bachelor party, and here Linley and I are almost crashing a wedding haha! We woke up, headed back down the trail, and snapped some photos along the way.
Of course we had to hit the dog-friendly Empire Beach afterward! We didn’t spend too much time in the water, but we did lounge on the sand and Linley got some attention—both from little kids and adults! He did some digging while I did some reading, and we snuggled up to watch the sunset together.
By the evening hit, we were pooped. We headed back to the yurt, snuggled up for bed and slept like babies. I may have missed the stars at night, but I’m happy I finally got some good sleep—especially with my favorite nap buddy by my side.
After a lazy morning, we decided to hit a new beach – part of the Sleeping Bear Dunes – before heading south. Esch Beach is a large stretch of Lake Michigan with half being welcoming for dogs. All these years and I’ve never even heard of this beach, so it was cool to check it out!
Heartbreak, feeling used and led on, manipulated… not really knowing if he was honest from the beginning… all sucks. It’s made me feel extremely depressed, as has knowing he probably doesn’t care about me at all (and never did). But I’ll say that having Linley helped me get through my divorce last year, and spending time with him is helping me now—as always. 💛
Media taken Saturday, June 17 and Sunday, June 18, 2023.
I deleted yesterday’s post because although people are trying to be helpful, phrases like “enjoy the moment” and “patience is a virtue” – among other cliques – can be harmful post-breakup. Phrases like that can actually minimize someone’s pain, and the only way to mend a broken heart is to feel all stages of grief. I need to heal on my own, in my own way. 💛
That said, I wanted to repost the photos I’d shared because these memories have brought me joy and have made me smile lately, and I hope they do the same for you! 😌
March felt like a month of setbacks, irritability and challenges. But when I reflect on the good moments, I still made progress and have so much to be thankful for. Sure, I felt – and still feel – easily annoyed at times, but I’m continuing to work through hardship, set and adhere to my boundaries, and am grateful for the adventures that March brought me. I’ve been keeping up with reading, am learning to play the harmonica, am getting new ink and am creating more space for positive friendships and opportunities. ❤️
MSU vs. OSU basketball game with dad!Meeting baby Lily in D.C.!Treating my parents to a lovely dinner and show at Cliff Bell’s jazz club in Detroit!Learning Black Betty on the harmonicaGetting matching tattoos with my Little Sister of nearly nine years!Happy hour with the work ladies!Brought Lin into the office again!More outdoor time with my best bud“Pupdates” from mom while I’m away
February, March and April were – and will continue to be – filled with new adventures, travel experience and growth. I can officially cross two more of my 2023 wishes as complete!
I’m still discovering a passion, but I’m making significant strides in healing. I wrote what I call “burn letters” early last month—which really helped me get my feelings out and heal. I wrote letters to friends who haven’t been there for me, Juan and people who have recently hurt me when I trusted them most.
Linley has been a big part of my healing progress. We’ve gone on some familiar trails, he’s been my buddy at work and we’re planning some new adventures together!
The cooking, reading, saying “no” and “yes” at the right times, setting boundaries, creating new adventures… it’s all happening and I’m setting the foundation so it continues to happen. I’m really excited about this—and it’s needed to happen for so long now.
I took myself on a date to the Viagra Boys concert in Detroit on February 23rd!Reunited with KP in New Orleans for her birthday on February 24!Had the most uplifting reading yet!
And as far as community goes, I have the best coworkers-turned-friends in my current job. I LOVE IT HERE! There are certainly some difficult days with clients or our partners, but I never expected to “belong” as much as I currently do (I felt like I had to change to “fit in” elsewhere). Don, Giacomo, Baylen, Justin… are all becoming close friends, and Catherine and Veronica already are! KP and I even saw Don and his girlfriend Jennifer in NOLA over the weekend, where the Viagra Boys tee shirts from Thursday evening made an appearance!
Things are difficult and turbulent and hard and beautiful and hopeful and bittersweet, but I’m slowly seeing the clouds parting. I’m seeing who my truest friends are – and were this entire time – and I’m feeling like the best is yet to come. 💛
On New Years Eve, I sat with a couple girlfriends on the west side of Michigan, as we wrote down our “resolutions” (I put that word in quotation marks because I like to think of it as more ‘aspirational’ than specific, quantifiable ‘goals’). January has been an exceptionally hard month: seeing my ex-husband for the first time since our divorce and leaving Chicago, losing my dad’s best friend who we weren’t able to see prior to her passing, no longer being able to trust one of my male friends because he led me to believe he was someone he wasn’t, and my depression overall rapidly getting worse. Each month, I’m going to track my progress on each of my wishes for no one other than myself — but feel free to tag along if you wish.
Wish #1: ???
I decided to keep this one to myself for now, but plan to write more about this when the time is right.
Wish #2: Travel to South Africa, & plan other trips…
One of my best friends and her husband recently moved to Atlanta, Georgia from Johannesburg. Andy and I have worked together since the spring, and we became extremely close after all the project managers got together in person in August. Andy and Shawn are the kindest, funniest, most supportive people I could ask for in my life right now — both as individuals and as a couple. They’ve both been through difficult divorces in the past, and inspire me and give me hope that my true love exists — and that I’ll find him someday soon, without settling or compromising my beliefs or self worth. I visited them in Atlanta last weekend and I seriously needed all the laughs, time outdoors, lazy mornings watching TV and meeting more of their South African friends in the area.
Coincidentally, I’ve wanted to visit South Africa since I was about 10 years old. Andy and Shawn really want me to tag along with them the next time they return home. Whether that’s this summer or sometime in 2024, I look forward to my time with them, and to the other adventures abroad that are on the horizon for 2023.
Wish #3: Figure out my health bullshit!
As it turns out, I did indeed have a kidney infection, NOT a gallbladder or pancreas issue. Thank goodness I visited the Women’s Hospital of UofM, or else I probably would’ve had my gallbladder removed unnecessarily. If I still experience symptoms, I’ll be returning to the urologist for further testing, but for now I should be in the clear and my levels – and pain – are stable. I also made an appointment for my back problems and although my spine will never look the way I’d like it to, it was a relief to know that it “isn’t noticeable” to the average person — and now I can start planning for a new tattoo.
Wish #4: Find home in a physical place the way I have found home in myself…
I love who I am: I love how I look, I know what I deserve and I wouldn’t change anything about who I am as a person. HOWEVER, I do not feel at home here in Michigan. I left Michigan for a reason (or, several reasons…) and just because Chicago wasn’t my home either, doesn’t mean that I have to settle for less than I deserve here. Sure, some really good things have come out of me being here again, but my time here has been full of letdowns, false problems, and physical, emotional and mental pain. Maybe I’ll receive a permanent residency permit so I can live in Toronto. Maybe I’ll move somewhere closer to one of my best friends on the east coast. Maybe I’ll move to Charlotte, North Carolina because I had the best time with some of the best people this summer. Or maybe I’ll go somewhere totally new. The overwhelming possibilities are endless, but not all those who wander are lost.
Wish #5: More ink!
As previously mentioned, I’m planning my next tattoo, but am also working on finishing my foot/ankle and really want to get my dog’s paw print on my other ankle soon.
Wish #6: Find a passion – new or old.
I’m definitely getting back into music. As a kid, I was able to play three or four different instruments and found that music was a great outlet for me. Maybe I’ll get back into the piano or play something totally new — either way, I’m excited to explore this more. I also want to start swimming laps at a local gym every day, but am waiting until I relocate because figuring that out is like swimming laps in and of itself!
Wish #7: Heal from my marriage, time in Chicago, friendships ending…
It’s nearly impossible to put a timeline on this one. Progress isn’t linear with this one! Some days I feel on top of the world; others I feel like I’m drowning in my own depression, feeling like the universe is kicking me while I’m down. Seeing my ex-husband earlier in the month was necessary for my own healing, yet it was one of the saddest, heartbreaking things I’ve done. Being around someone you loved and who loved you for nearly a decade… and not being able to be with them in that capacity anymore… unless you’ve tried remaining friends with the person you thought was your soulmate is… hard to explain. It’s soul-crushing. I would give anything to go back to the good times where we both were happy — but my ex-husband doesn’t exactly feel the same way. I had to stare acceptance in the face and truly accept that things will never be as they were. Typing that even now – nearly a month later – feels daunting and depressing.
However… I am opening my heart where and when it needs to be open. I’m not only setting boundaries, but am finally adhering to them. I’m creating space for new friendships and new love, and although I’m losing hope, I haven’t fully given up yet. I wish I didn’t have to struggle this much and feel all this hurt within my heart — but I can only hope it all has to be worth it on the other side.
Wish #8: More bonding experiences with Lin!
I majorly need to step this one up. Because I live with my parents at the moment, Linley has shared the love between all three of us — making it hard to have that quality time I need with him. I hope to plan more adventures with Linley: before, during and after we relocate somewhere new. He’s the best dog in the whole world, and is my favorite adventure buddy!
Wish #9: More reading, cooking, exploring, saying “yes” and “no” when I want…
Saying “no” – even when it’s best for me – is still something I feel extremely guilty about. This is probably one of my biggest personal hurdles I need to jump leaps and bounds over this year. The good news is that I’m reading and cooking much more than I have in the past, and the exploring is still going strong! Over Martin Luther King Jr. weekend, my dad and I made homemade gluten free calzones and fish and chips. I’m excited to try even more recipes with the people I love most!
Wish #10: Finding community who loves and accepts me for me…
For the first time in my 29 years of life, I finally have this at work. I can be myself, crack my jokes, bring my personality to all of my projects, consultants and client teams, and feel valued for my contributions. I have never had community in my own family, or in my physical location. I hope to find this when I leave Michigan as well; I want to find that group who I feel deeply connected with and not for the sake of “fitting in” — but truly belonging as I am.
Although I am grieving my marriage and what I’d hoped was “home” in Chicago – and despite some of the hardship I’ve endured since being back in Michigan – there are several moments and people I am beyond grateful for.
It’s been challenging to put all of my emotions into words lately (both positive and sad), but I will say this: If you made me smile or gave me hope in these last few months, thank you from the bottom of my heart! 💛
Traveling with the Traceys 