I lay in bed with Alex and Linley lightly snoring next to me, feeling calm in their presence now but waking up from a panic. I’m panicking about trying to find ESL students and coaching clients, too. I’m panicking about not being able to “do all the things” or “getting it all done” before the end of the day/week/month/year. You know, the typical anxiety stuff 😅
Kidding aside, I’ve really been trying to write more rather than simply post more. I’m personally not a fan of Taylor Swift’s music, but I do find it fascinating that even when she’s not going through a breakup, she still remains super popular. As I’ve been adding to my blog and redoing my website, I’ve realized some of my most popular posts were from my darkest days. I hope that sharing my anxiety around career stuff doesn’t necessarily make me more “popular,” but I do hope people read this and think, “Oh, she’s in a great marriage now and Linley’s still doing great, but she’s real like me, too.” Yes, I’m in a much better place now and that depression I felt a few years back is no more; but sometimes my anxiety and OCD can feel daunting at times (and unfortunately, that time is usually 3 or 4 a.m.!)
In the meantime, I’m going to try to get some sleep, realize that I’m doing the best I can, and lay with Linley and Alex by my side (in that order haha 😉)
October was a month of some serious ups and a few downs, but all-in-all, November has some big shoes to fill. 😉
A lovely dinner with great friendsGetting Linley’s nose print tattooed on usLinley’s third annual Splish Splash Doggie BashLin bein’ goofy and cuddlyA great French metal showBurgers after Edgar Allan Poe shenanigans A family hike on the Appalachian TrailAtlanta Pride!Goofin’ around with my birthday twin…like I said: goofin’ around!Justin’s and my third annual birthday celebration Seeing a friend from dance class at another friend’s weddingThe best wedding date aroundChris Distefano liveLin is a Georgia voter!Sumo and Sushi eventA lovely weekend with my parentsFinally dressing up with my mom againAn interesting showChecking out Savannah bars with the boysLin being a ghost for the third year in a row!
This past Friday, Alex and I had dinner with two other couples: one who Alex has known since college, and the other who we met at the college couple’s wedding last May.
The dinner we had brought me so much joy and I had so many great epiphanies from our time together:
I’ve been putting too much pressure on myself to find “my own friends” in Atlanta, when really, the community I’ve met through Alex has accepted me more than my own family ever has.
This friend group is the microcosm of who Alex and I are: people who bring others together. Alex met Christina and Tyler in college, then we met Jordan and Rachel at their wedding because I struck up a conversation with them… and look at us now!
Just because my friends from ten years ago may not be in my life anymore, doesn’t mean that I will never have those sorts of friendships again. In fact, some of the friends I’ve made in the past two-ish years have been the healthiest, most supportive and fun friendships of my life yet.
You’re allowed to change and grow and value different qualities from your friendships now than you did before.
Making friends and finding community is hard – especially if you move and when you grow up – but finding the diamonds in the rough is SO incredibly worth it.
The rest of our weekend was wonderful too, except for Sunday evening. I’d reconnected with a friend who is going through a hard time, and used me as a “punching bag” this past year because of it. She’d admitted that she was angry and jealous of me and that’s part of why she treated me as she did. But truth be told: I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to trust her the same way ever again.
My relationship OCD wants to fixate on that conversation instead of all the good that happened this weekend and week, including our fulfilling triple-double-date, hanging out with our buddy Matt, taking Linley to his third-annual Splish Splash Doggie Bash, and having a great conversation (and hugs!) with my bestie Grace last night.
I couldn’t be more grateful for my friends who make me feel at home, and I’m not going to let one bad apple ruin my weekend or night’s sleep again…
…the leaves are changing, and so am I. 🙂✨
Media taken Friday, October 3 – Wednesday, October 8 in Atlanta, Georgia. 🍂
A couple weeks ago, I wrote about my time in Michigan and how it wasn’t the weekend I was hoping it would be. I’ve been feeling misunderstood and unheard in my career, in my friend groups, and in my family. I’ve been pushing myself to write because I truly haven’t felt like it in a while, but I know it’s good for me to get my feelings out of my head.
I’m extremely grateful for Alex, who has continued to try new things with me, explore new places with me and has encouraged me to do what I love most. The friends I’ve made through him feel like family and I’m forever grateful to them and him for that.
Even when times are uncertain and things feel rocky, there are people who care about you and love you. I need to remind myself of that, too.
My ex-husband and ex-best friend lashed out at me a few years ago. I was told that I was shallow for wanting to make new friends (while maintaining long-term and long-distance friendships, too). I was told that I would never be happy, would never be around better people than them, and would never live the life I want to live. Their words hurt so deeply because I’d thought the verbal abuse started and stopped at my extended family, not my chosen one…
At times, I wonder if their verbal abuse is true: that because I always want more and to better myself, that I’m “greedy” or “shallow” or “ungrateful” or “dramatic” (all words they’ve called me at one point).
As my friendships change and I decide what new adventure I need to take myself on in life, I have to actively choose not to believe my ex-husband and ex-best friend. It hurts that I hurt both of them unintentionally, but I certainly didn’t deserve that type of treatment. If I ever question my worth in friendships, community, career, family… I have to let go of their words and voices telling me that I deserve to be questioning myself.
I still have so much work to do, but I’m trying, and that’s more than I could’ve said a few years ago. Oh, if only the art of letting go were easier… 💛
I used to write monthly gratitude posts a couple years ago, and I’m bringing them back! 💁🏻♀️
People I’m especially grateful for:
Alex and Linley, of course
My two long distance besties, Bethany and Carolyn
My therapist, Erin
Gainer and TyTy (aka: the fam!)
Friends we don’t see that often but have recently (Paulina, Matt, Christina, Tyler, Jordan and Rachel!)
My teammates at work
Friends from previous jobs who I’m still close with (Carolina, Emily, Janessa, Ola!)
Moments I’m especially grateful for:
More outdoor time with Linley! Fun nights out and trying new things with Gainer!Hanging out with neighbors-turned-friends!Alex and Linley having a bro-day hiking!Quality time with Karen and Andrew!Trying new things in familiar places!Exploring a new dog beach!Linley making new friends (like Buddy!)Taking Linley to work with me, just like the good ole days!Lazy weekend days!Giving Linley another bath together!Little notes from Alex!Watching Ellie again!Being goofy with one of my best friends, Evelyn!More fun times with Grace!
Cheers to a new month full of new adventures and memories! 🤗
When I lived in Michigan, I always took Lin to the beach. We visited Empire Bluff Trail and Beach annually until we moved to Atlanta, and even explored the Upper Peninsula and other wonderful spots on Lake Michigan. The water has always calmed me, and it always brought out the puppy in Linley!
My favorite memories from my year in Chicago were taking Linley to the Montrose Dog Beach every morning at sunrise. Sunrise always meant more to me than sunsets, because the start of something is always better than an ending (in my opinion). While going through the divorce and losing my job, those morning moments with Linley got me through and gave me the clarity – and joy – that I so desperately needed at the time.
I’ve been having some introspective moments here in Atlanta lately. I love the city, but need and want to explore more nature here. I have the urge to go whitewater rafting again, and I really need to find a community of people who want to be out in nature more than just day drinking on the weekends. I can’t wait to do more exploring here this summer since we won’t be going on a vacation until October.
Alex and I found a great dog beach to take Linley to, and I’m so bummed that we didn’t do this sooner (but better late than never!). I loved seeing Linley play and dig in the water, he was a great listener when he started to stray away, and he was super brave in the tides. It instantly brought me back to memories from Michigan, Chicago, Asheville, Montana, Washington state and more.
I look forward to more beach memories with Alex and Linley — not only this summer, but forever. 💛
Media taken Sunday, July 6 at East Palisades Dog Beach in Atlanta, GA.✨
I lay awake at 03:52 ET, hearing the sounds of Alex and Linley breathing (my forever favorite white noise machine) 😌 and feel empowered — although exhausted.
October was such a lovely month full of positive changes, and ever since the election things have felt bleak. Unbelievable. The air has felt heavier, and then family and new job drama layered on top of it *almost* took me out of the fight. The fight to celebrate my engagement. The fight to keep looking for that career that’ll springboard me on the right path. The fight to continue listening to progressive independent liberal media.
But I’m not out of the fight, and I’m not out OF fight. ✨
Instead of basking in the shambles of the election, family tension and feeling like I “got it wrong” on the job front again, I’m going to do the following:
Continue going to therapy and feeling in control of my life, the way I did during yesterday’s session
Continue knowing that I’m on the right path for ME, even if others “don’t get it”
Continue looking for wedding dresses so I can try them on with my mother in law, her best friend and my aunt — because I’m excited people want to celebrate with me
Continue applying for jobs in the nonprofit/government space in the city of Atlanta, because Atlanta is my home and I want to find a job based here
Learn French the way I used to in college, because I deeply miss it
Fix my typewriter, because similar to this post, I just have to do it EVEN when I feel my words aren’t “worth it” to anyone (they’re worth it to me)
Find a solid volunteer organization here, directly helping those impacted by the election results (Feminist Healthcare perhaps)
Fuck what society, family, former friends, ex-coworkers… think of me, because I’m my favorite version of myself 💛
^ All this is within my control, and I have a LOT of Google searching and ordering to do. 😉
Hold me accountable? I need all the help I can get…
A few weeks ago, we celebrated our safety during the tropical storm that hit Atlanta — and we hit the Georgia Aquarium for a private wine-centered event. The aquarium hosts Aqua Vino events where guests can dress up, sample wine and see all the animals… with no crowds or kids to worry about! It was the perfect excuse to dress up, sample some wine, listen to live music and explore the aquarium. I felt like a classy adult and a kind again all in one! We even got our picture with a beluga whale within the first half hour.
I bid on a silent auction painting from a sea lion named Finnian (spoiler alert: I ended up winning it!) and pet some sting rays along the way. I felt like I was reclaiming my not-so-fond childhood memories during vacations and such… so it felt special in more ways than one. I also found the Alex and me “in another universe” with these koi fish!
We continued exploring the different areas of the aquarium — including the tunnel and massive viewing room — to see some really impressive sharks. We wandered through different exhibits and joked about the fish and their names along the way. Laughing with Alex is my favorite thing to do and I had a blast. I can’t wait for more adventures like this to come!
And of course, I had to stop by the penguin exhibit before I saw one of my favorite animals…
The otters were actually awake! I was so surprised and happy, so Alex and I spent a good deal of time watching them play and swim around. The same employee who helped when I pet the sting rays was also there to tell us more about these cuties. I was so excited I had to take a video!
Alex and I had a wonderful time getting dolled up and enjoyed a near-private walkthrough of a typically chaotic and popular place. It’s great that the aquarium hosts fundraisers like this, and I hope to attend many more!
[Spoiler alert: Yes, this will ultimately be a lovely post about Alex’s and my love story, but I need to explain the hell I’ve been through to make you appreciate the journey more. 💛]
From last weekend’s anniversary dinner
In May of 2023, I was blindsided by someone I was “dating” long-distance (I put “dating” in quotes because I thought we were dating; he claimed we weren’t after the fact…) I’d known this person since February and we spoke every day, made efforts to see each other when possible… but then one day around Mother’s Day, he ghosted, then “zombied” (which is coming back from ghosting with a bunch of excuses), then ghosted again. Although I had zero interest in being with this individual after nearly a week or more of not answering my messages, he was a narcissist and claimed that me asking questions about what happened and why he ghosted was “wasting each others’ time” and that he didn’t want to “lead me on” as I was trying to find closure. Even when I said that I wanted feedback for the man I was actually meant to be with (NOT him), his gaslighting was through the roof.
The above bullshit (pardon my French) took place during and after my marriage. The rollercoaster of addiction (including “dry drunk” behaviors for over five+ years), the physical and emotional abandonment and gaslighting/lack of accountability ran rampant no matter how “good” we were, where we lived or how much quality time we even spent together. After the marriage ended, I felt like I had this revolving door of men — even though I wasn’t seeking male attention or making first moves. I was blindsided, ghosted, used… by about four or five guys before I’d met Alex, and as mad as I am at them, I’m disappointed that I hadn’t set better boundaries – both physical and emotional – after the divorce.
[TLDR: My whole life has been spent searching for the love from someone else who sees me the way *I* see *myself.* A lot of people may think I seem insecure or like a love addict myself, when really I’ve always wanted that best friend who truly saw me, loved to spend time and travel with me, who would laugh with me and hug me even on our hardest days… all because I never had a stable, grounded family life. I’ve been confident in myself and who I am since day one, and finding someone who felt the same about me AND themself has been a challenge… all until I met Alex…]
On Father’s Day weekend of 2023, Linley and I went camping on what used to be our annual Empire Trail and Beach hike in northern Michigan, when we lived in the Midwest. (Let’s face facts: Linley is and always will be my first love, my partner in crime, my best friend!) Spending time in nature snuggled up with my little guy made me realize that there was someone out there for me; I just had to be more intentional in finding him (re: insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, expecting different results).
I’d known I would be moving to Atlanta later that summer/early fall by this point, so why not try online dating with someone who a) was also dating intentionally and b) would want to get to know me before I even moved to Atlanta and c) I could be honest about my past marriage and dating history with. So, I did just that!
I joined Coffee Meets Bagel on June 23, had matches starting June 24, and matched with Alex on June 27 of 2023 (I have problems, don’t ask me how I can remember those dates!) Our first phone call was July 4, our first video call was probably less than a week after that, we left audio messages on days we couldn’t video chat and even saw each other in person twice in one month before I’d moved down here on Linley’s Gotcha Day. I’d known I loved Alex since before even meeting him in person last summer, but I knew I was in love with him late August/early September.
Vancouver in late August, 2023Biking around Stanley Park!Boat ride and orca sighting in Seattle!
Over the weekend, we celebrated our one year anniversary. I can’t wait to share more about how we recreated our first weekend together! But for now, I wanted to write the above for ME, because I don’t think I’ve ever really wrote about the journey — even for myself. 💛
Yesterday was my six month anniversary of living in Atlanta, Georgia — and all I can say is that I’m in awe of my life now. I dreamed of this happiness as a young child and haven’t felt this good for this long… ever. The love Alex and I share, the relationship I have with Alex’s family, his friends who have welcomed me and the friends I’ve met since moving here are all beyond my wildest dreams. With happy tears in my eyes, I can tell you this is the best life I’m living for myself — and young me would be very proud.
To feel a true sense of belonging and welcoming from Alex and his family means more than I can’t put into words.
When I was living in the Midwest, I had to scramble to find alternate holiday plans. I don’t mean to be a Grinch with what I share below, but I do want to set the tone for how past holidays with my immediate family would go: There was absolutely no way that I would spend a day of gratitude and love with my brother and his wife who I’m estranged from, or parents who will never love me the way they love my brother, or family members who judged me for being with men who weren’t white, for my tattoos or for my willingness to go to therapy to break our toxic family cycles of generational trauma. Short story long: I always spent time with friends and their families to avoid what I would deem as nothing short of toxic.
The only cousin I’m close to and her fiancé Ben visited us a couple weekends ago, and it was a great way to kick off the holidays! We played games until midnight and had fun at some of our favorite local restaurants. I love Katy more than she’ll ever know. 💛
Last month, I made a new friend while taking Linley to the dog park on one of my days off. Ariel and I went on our first “friend date” of many, and even Alex loved how close we became! It was definitely fate. ✨
Alex’s and my first Christmas together was nothing short of amazing. And it’ll be the first of many. 🥰 Linley and I had so much fun with his family relaxing in the morning, eating great food throughout the day and enjoying some espresso martinis along the way. Alex and his family welcomed us and have made us feel a sense of belonging since the moment we moved down to Georgia in September. We couldn’t feel more lucky. 🥹
And just because I’m feeling this grateful and loved, here are some other fun December photos we took this month:
Traveling with the Traceys 